Well, my life had been utterly depressing for a few months there. I know when those feelings get you down it’s really all you can do to vent about them and move on. This is the story of how that moving occurred.

A week ago today I met someone amazing, and I’m ashamed to say I still don’t know her name. Let me start from the beginning though. Take two.

A week ago today I had a midterm to study for. It was a huge midterm and I didn’t think I had a chance in hell to pass it. Generally downplaying myself to be pleasantly surprised, I decided to take the help I could get and take part in a study group. As I entered the Starbucks across the street I noticed someone at the table. I had seen her before, but something was different this time: she was bald.

This intrigued me. My first thought, as I believe many would have as well, was that of worry. I hoped in my stomach that she didn’t have to do this because of a disease or something grave like that. But when I talked to her I found that she had raised money from her friends and family (sort of as bet money, as they couldn’t believe she’d actually do it) on behalf of the St. Baldrick’s foundation. The money she gathered went to cancer research, and all the hair to locks of love.

Immediately she became the most beautiful person in the room. I looked at her head, bare and cold on that particular rainy Wednesday, and saw the courage it must have taken to go through with that. More so, I saw the selflessness in her. She got nothing for doing this other than knowing she did something good. That is magnificent.

I have been looking these past four months as a partial sob story for my life, looking at it from a “oh, woe is me…” kind of thing. She changed that.

I shouldn’t be looking for the pitfalls in my life, I need to focus again on how I can help others out of theirs.

Maybe bald will be the new look for women. I don’t know. I certainly can’t get her out of my mind.

Oh yeah, I also got into UCSB, but this event seemed a bit more impressive.

mellybeaaan:

So cute

D’awwwwwww

I’m starting to really think I should be giving up. There’s too much going on for me; my life is filled with obligations and I can’t keep track of them all.

First there’s work. Thirty scheduled hours a week plus whatever off time I give to it. Completely kills free time in general, and I’m starting to feel its effects on school. I love my job, but I’m having a hard time remembering why it is I wanted to take on as much as I have there.

We’re hiring soon, which would be great if I wasn’t a mess about it. I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m so bad at this. I just wish I could not have to worry about people being
mad at me. It’s going to happen, everyone on the crew loves a different applicant. I cant hire them all.

I guess it doesn’t really matter if they’re mad at me anymore anyway. It’s come to my attention that I don’t get to keep friends for very long. Life has a tendency to push them away if I don’t do a bang up job of it first.

Here’s to you cat, for being the latest in the string of many failed duos.

Everyone leaves. It’s my turn now.

God I need these acceptance or rejection letters to come. Either way, I can’t take elk grove anymore.

Me and sewer cat

over thinking things does this to me.

How I feel when I get overly confused.

I have such a multitude of friends, it’s hard to imagine my feeling alone. I can talk to anyone about anything really, I’m an open book with any topic (as taboo as it may come to be), but that’s my problem.

I am alone, because everyone else has others too.

There was a time when I would be the one lending a hand. Ive always began as a lone wolf, I guess. Starting in the corner, I would look for the person that - like me - felt out of place. To that person I would present myself as a friend. This was easy when I was young and the world was big; every kid was alone in the beginning.

But no one is alone anymore.

Lately, each time I reach out to those I think make good candidates for friendship, I end up breaking a pairing. Everyone has their duo, everyone has their companion. I can never compete with what’s already in place. If I’ve proven anything, it’s that even if I want to.. I shouldn’t.

Maybe I can leave and find someone that’s as alone as I am. Maybe that person is sitting in their car writing a rambly post as well. Maybe they feel like luck doesn’t favor them, no matter how much they try to please karma. Maybe I’ll find that person. Maybe that person and I will lean on one another, while simultaneously pushing each other forward. I sure hope so.

I can’t wait to meet you.

I can’t stand hurting people, but it appears as though I’ve become really good at it. The last four months have really proven a useful tool for reflection on the matter.

I care about people, but in that seemingly sweet statement lies my downfall. In an effort to care about people, I lose myself in the endeavor, and only think about how I can fix the problems in their life. Many times the only conceivable way to assist people is to be a person for them to lean on, pulling them away from the former pillars on which they so precariously balanced.

This is where the problems occur. As soon as I become capable of offering myself as a confidant I become too invested. My desires to help them transform into desires of my own. Making them happy will make me happy, and no longer is about the person. I fall in love with the endeavor, lustfully anticipating solutions to problems that may possibly occur. But it becomes about me then; no longer am I the selfless person I strive to be.

But what happens when the crisis is over for that person? Nothing. I’ve become so invested in being the one to be there for them that all that lies for me in the resolution is sadness. I’ll maintain civility with the person, perhaps even friendship, but the thoughts I’ve conjured in my head will never come to fruition. I live in the fairy tales of my own desires, it seems, and the fables of my fixations have but one moral: only true selflessness will help me move past this.

Still, a small part of me hopes it wasn’t all fairy tales. Even if it was, I don’t want to believe it.